November 15, 2015 – This is what normal feels like! I wrote in my journal, “this is fabulous”.
It had been so long since I’ve felt “normal”. What is normal? For me, its the clouds and weight lifted and I just feel like I can do everyday activities without being down. There’s no “gray” in my day. I just woke and was ready to take on what came my way.
I want that EVERYDAY! I don’t know how to repeat it. I want to bottle it so I can feel it everyday.
We were out of town for a hockey tournament and we woke up to drive home. I got up, took a shower without talking myself into it. I packed the room and helped load in truck. We drove home for 3 hours, and I was chatting the entire way – actually having a conversation, not just staring out into space feeling numb. I even cracked a couple funnies that made everyone smile. The feeling stayed with me the entire day!
Two days prior, my partner and I were discussing some issues we were having and literally 5 minutes into the conversation, I felt so down and sad that I thought if I didn’t have kids, there is no purpose for me being here. I feel like I’m just enduring it because I have children, a grandson, and a partner that I love. That gets exhausting, though!
Thankfully, a different feeling revealed itself on 11/15/15 and it’s the day I decided that depression will not lead my life anymore. I will find a way for normal to rule. I like normal. I deserve normal.